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So I know I don’t normally post stuff like this. But I figured why not. It might do me good to talk about this. Or at least get it off my chest and know maybe a few people read this.

So when I was little I was molested/tortured by another girl for 3 years. No one knew until I was a sophomore in high school. It was pretty bad but I managed to get through it. It was hard. But I was making progress.
The hardest thing to work around is the flashbacks. They are the worst. They hurt and I’m always afraid I’ll hurt someone else during them. I hate that pain. No one knew about those until my freshmen year of college. I’m twenty now. It took me near 12 years to be anywhere near better after everything started. I was finally learning what it meant to be okay.

Then one of my best friends took advantage of me while I was sleeping. He destroyed everything I was working for. Everything I was trying to do. It was horrible. It destroyed me. I’m so used to getting hurt and just getting up and this time I don’t know how to get up. It hurts. Everything is different now and I hate how much he was able to hurt me.

So that happened about a month and a half ago. And about a week ago I started having this phantom feelings. Like the sensation of a popsicle stick againstb your teeth or the sound of Styrofoam rubbing against each other. Except that sensation is everywhere. All over. In my head. It drives me crazy. And its starting to get worse. More and more things are triggering me. More and more stuff is causing me to have mini panic attacks. More and more new fears. And if the sensation wasn’t enough I have started having horrible compulsions. The first one was to brush my teeth. Seventeen times till my gums were bleeding. I have only done it once and I have not gone through any of my other compulsions. Like rubbing my skin raw, ripping out my hair, tearing off my nails.
And now tomorrow I may or may not be seeing a psychiatrist. I’m scared shitless. I hate the sensation in my head. I hate the feeling that’s only getting worse. I can’t even brush my hair without being scared I’m gonna throw up. I can’t hold cards or put on certain clothing. I was curled up in a ball behind a door in only a towel because I was afraid to pull on my clothes. I’m stressing everyone else out. And I’m completely afraid of everything. I’m afraid it’s going to be too much and boyfriend will leave me. I’m afraid I’m doing permanent damage to my siblings. My youngest sister thought it was her fault. My mother is worried. I hate it. I hate myself for not being strong enough. I can’t even sleep. The dreams… they shouldn’t terrify me the way they do. I am forcing myself to eat because everyone will worry more if I don’t. I’m developing stupid idiocencricies… I’m scared. I’m so scared of it all.

I’m afraid of fucking q-tips! I’m afraid of things rubbing against my nails. I hate it. I hate how it’s everywhere. I wish, oh I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could just think of something else. It’s not working… I can’t sleep. It’s there. In my head. All the time. It gets worse. And I hate making everyone think they did something wrong when they trigger it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can do anything. I’m losing my grip on everything. And it sucks because I know I’m not okay.. when have I ever been okay? I’ve been through hell and back. There is no okay. But if I can pretend… I can get through everything. I just need to pretend. And its so hard when you keep getting slammed in the face with the I’m not okay. With the hurt and the crazy. I can’t even begin to understand how to really be okay. But I need to be. I wanna be happy and make the ones I love happy. I wanna help my boyfriend and support him and be able to let him see me okay. I don’t wanna worry him and drive him away. I’m scared it’s too much and I’m too messed up and he’s gonna go. I don’t want him to leave. But he gets upset when I don’t talk and I feel like if I do talk I’ll have too much baggage. Too whiny. Too damaged. Its easy to point to something broken and say its not when you’ve never seen it whole. And after writing this all I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t know if anyone will read this. It’s pretty long. I’ll probably update the situation tomorrow after I get through my visit.
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